3 Years

3 years.

The breathe is stolen from my lungs at just the thought.

It seems like such an incredible amount of time.  Yet in my world, on this journey, it’s really no time at all.

My truth is I didn’t think I would be able to live without Daniel.  He was my everything.  He was my biggest cheerleader in life and without that I’ve struggled.  My truth is that most of that first year I still didn’t fully believe that I would be able to live without him.  I thought I would actually die.  I quite literally did not think I could live with the pain I was feeling and that in the wee hours of morning as the sun rose I would finally fall asleep and not wake back up. Continue reading

Waves of Grief

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
– Jon Kabat-Zinn

That’s precisely what we do. We learn to surf because what other choice do we really have?? We learn to surf because otherwise we would never make it out our front doors. But sometimes, no matter how well we are currently travelling, a wave sweeps us off our feet and it knocks us down and sometimes we don’t have the strength to get straight back up. Continue reading

I’ll Be Lovin’ You…..

Four months ago I got a new tattoo.  It was planned.  It was something I’d thought about for a long time.

The tattoo….. symbolising the beginning of removing my wedding ring.

I wanted something permanently marking me.  A reminder.  Because when our engagement ring went on, I never believed the day would arrive when I would not have a ring on my ring finger.

When we exchanged wedding rings, Daniel and I promised to love and honour each other all the days of our lives.  There was no til death do us part.  Nope even at the tender age we were, we removed those words.  No matter my future, I will love Daniel all the days of my life.  Nothing and no-one will ever change that. Continue reading

Dancing With Your Ghost

“I have blisters on my feet from dancing alone with your ghost”
– Tyler Knott Gregson

As the days turned to weeks, then months and eventually years, I’ve slowly learned how to cope with and manage my grief.

But there are moments where it feels like no time at all has passed. Today this quote really resonates with me. Last night for the first time in a long time I woke in the middle of the night with a wet pillow, shaking violently, yelling ‘no, no, no’, sobs racking my body. Continue reading

Finding My Sunshine

So therapy lasted 3 sessions.  After my first, I left thinking yes, she gets it, this is what I’ve been missing.  I felt raw and so exposed.  But I think perhaps I really needed that.  I needed to go back to the start.  Really talk about the accident, what happened.  How despite not being there, I still have a very vivid idea through the coroner’s report and police interviews about what happened.  It haunts me, but I’m slowly learning to not let it.  Bottom line, my husband is gone and he’s not coming home.

Back to therapy….. second session I left thinking I should’ve gone to the pub, got drunk and spilled to the publican because it would have been more beneficial. Continue reading

Just Holding On…..

young-widow-tough-mudder

I started therapy yesterday.

I’ve been in a bad place and I’ve spent more time these last few months living in the dark than I have seeing any light.  I’ve been trying really hard but it hasn’t been enough.  Last week knowing I was close to completely going over the edge, I realised that this time maybe I wasn’t going to be able to pull myself out of the dark without some help.

After a series of appointments over a couple of days I walk out of my doctor’s clinic with paperwork in hand.  Paperwork that contained words I didn’t want to acknowledge and a referral to a psychologist. Continue reading

Shimmers of Light and Holding On…..

young-widow-holding-on

Remember the board game snakes and ladders that you played as a kid – and sometimes as a big kid?!  Well that’s how I would describe my emotional state these last few weeks.  It’s like a game of snakes and ladders and with one wrong roll I find myself sliding down down down down.  Then I slowly drag myself back up. Maybe for a few moments, maybe for a day, maybe for a few days, but before I know it I’m sliding down down down again.

The issue I have with this board game though is that it’s my life and there’s no set bottom.  When you start that slide you have no idea just how far down you are going to go. Continue reading