I’ve had a very up and down start to 2017. Can you even begin to believe we are staring down the start of February?
Maybe when I say some ups and downs what I really mean to say is I’ve had some normal and some downs. Is this my new normal?
Last month the girls and I went on holiday (I do promise to write about this soon and share some photos). On holidays I was free of everyone who knows me. I could just be. I didn’t feel like I had to pretend. Didn’t feel like I had to live up to some idea. Didn’t feel like I had to wear my happy mask. It was healing. It was good for my soul.
I was happy. Continue reading
It’s been a while between posts. I’ve been meaning to put something up about the recent trip the girls and I took because it went along way in healing my soul. I haven’t meant for 2 months to go by without a post but here we are.
I had a dream (nightmare) last night and it’s left me raw and reeling.
For a long time after Daniel died (some 3 years, 4 months and 3 days ago now – how??) people would often ask “do you dream about him” or “does he visit you in dreams.” The answer was always not really. Because the reality was it hurt too much to say I have shitty dreams about him. Continue reading
3 years, 2 months and 4 days.
What if…. what might…. what could have…. what never will.
It’s bittersweet to tell you that I no longer feel stuck between all these places. I’m still trying to figure out the ‘what really is’ but I think that’s life in general. We probably never know what really is ever, because as we know in one split second what really is suddenly isn’t.
I posted this quote on my Widow Strong facebook page and captioned it, “The chaos of grief. I am no longer “stuck” between all these places. I’ve grown. But I am still trying to figure out the what actually is part!” I was then asked how long the stuck feeling lasts. Continue reading
The girls and I recently spent a week on my family’s farm. We have close to 300 acres and it’s one of a few places where I feel like I can really breathe. Just let go and be. Stand with the sun shining on my face, the fresh air surrounding me and really truly be at peace.
My family moved to the farm when I was 8 – scarily some 31 years ago it seems!! Growing up I hated living on a farm. A half hour out of town, all the chores farm life entailed, the old farm house, all of it. But now I appreciate it and wish that I could buy the same for our girls. They love it because I guess they’ve known both city and country and they adore the country life and ask all the time “when can we get our farm?”
The place is filled with Daniel. Everywhere I turn there a memories of him. Continue reading
The breathe is stolen from my lungs at just the thought.
It seems like such an incredible amount of time. Yet in my world, on this journey, it’s really no time at all.
My truth is I didn’t think I would be able to live without Daniel. He was my everything. He was my biggest cheerleader in life and without that I’ve struggled. My truth is that most of that first year I still didn’t fully believe that I would be able to live without him. I thought I would actually die. I quite literally did not think I could live with the pain I was feeling and that in the wee hours of morning as the sun rose I would finally fall asleep and not wake back up. Continue reading
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
– Jon Kabat-Zinn
That’s precisely what we do. We learn to surf because what other choice do we really have?? We learn to surf because otherwise we would never make it out our front doors. But sometimes, no matter how well we are currently travelling, a wave sweeps us off our feet and it knocks us down and sometimes we don’t have the strength to get straight back up. Continue reading
Four months ago I got a new tattoo. It was planned. It was something I’d thought about for a long time.
The tattoo….. symbolising the beginning of removing my wedding ring.
I wanted something permanently marking me. A reminder. Because when our engagement ring went on, I never believed the day would arrive when I would not have a ring on my ring finger.
When we exchanged wedding rings, Daniel and I promised to love and honour each other all the days of our lives. There was no til death do us part. Nope even at the tender age we were, we removed those words. No matter my future, I will love Daniel all the days of my life. Nothing and no-one will ever change that. Continue reading